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| hello!
i don't know if anyone ever reads this anymore. oh well.
i don't feel like writing this in my journal (since i've been in it all weekend) & i feel like whoever cares might like to know about my life. um.
this weekend(ish) was a bit of a breakthrough for me after getting much-needed long hours of stoning/driving at night/crying with God and attending two sunday services in a row today.
twas a good experience at kum yan today. got to catch up with a few awesome people i rarely see, and i had missed eeleen's + ian's wship leading. most of all i felt the culture was refreshing.. worship time really allowed pple to soak and reflect. and the way leaders prayed reflected a different approach towards God.. less formal, more real for me.
i'm trying to learn how great is our God in korean (위대하신주). i thought it would be an easy place to start cuz there r so many pauses btw phrases and it's repetitious... but the verses are still wordy. the characs are so hard for me to remember esp cuz the 'k' is like the japanese 'f', 'j' is like the jap 's' and the 'd' is like the hebrew 'n'....... i think it wld be a cool goal to know this song in 6 langs by the end of the year (adding to eng + chi: kor, jap, heb, indo).
jamming with hye sun at the korean prayer thing on thurs is so incredible. she comes up with really creative licks that i'll just latch onto & start singing in a really strange /fresh way.. we read each other's musical intentions the way jazz musicians are intuitive & the synergy is super. now i just need to learn more songs in korean so i can blend in better.......
teaching is good. i need to blog about my teaching. many things i'm experiencing + learning about myself. till soon.
i must sleep.
my life needs discipline + self-control.
must wake to dwell in the Word.
starting afresh.
releasing negative thought patterns to God. choosing to dwell every moment in worshipping Him + rising up to take hold of my kingship/princesshood in Him. releasing self-pity, unforgiveness, bitterness, orphanedness, timidity, fear of rejection, unworthiness, inadequacy, lack of confidence, + lack of authority (not sure how to put it) to Him.
have been meditating on Romans 8 this weekend. romans is insane. it's like the deepest truth that ever existed since the beginning of time. blows my mind.
v.11 if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies thru his Spirit who dwells in you
rising up to take hold of the life that is:
free to not-sin, free to love, to forgive, free from offenses, free to make mistakes. one that bears the fruit of the Spirit, one whose course is set toward its destiny shaped + prepared by God. One that is the light of the world, a blazing torch. A create-ive, transformative ambassador of the kingdom of God; the salt of the earth.
and my heart burns for You (Rom 8:23)
yinky
i am addicted to the first track on that album.
p/s the new gungor CD is like one of those beethoven symphonies.. the more you listen to it the more secrets you find in it.. so intricately crafted like no other album i've heard. so radical, beautiful + epic.
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| for thirty years of my life, you have been my captain.
on every sinking ship, every rough sea. every gale leading to victory.
when papa left us,
i decided no one else in the world would fight for me,
so i chose you.
you set me apart halfway round the world
where i could find you.
you took the over-sensitive, awkward kid
and showed me the glory i'd tried to hide.
i told you i wanted to be your musician.
you taught me that worship wasn't really about music.
i found you among the refugees; behind brothels; in the company of untuned singers with untuned guitars.
you walk with me through my weaknesses.
i'm learning to call your name with every hunger pang in my heart.
you gouge out the diseased places and make me new.
you taught me how to find my voice,
and now i teach others.
further along, what dreams may come,
may i be forever yours.
<3
your yinky
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| that lyric's taken from a really old maranatha song (don't watch it; it's annoying. though as kid i liked it. kids don't have much artistic discretion do they).
the past week has been eventful.
i finally went to volunteer at savh (after checking out the app form for like 2 yrs) since it's 'school hols' and my school doesn't wanna give me any work.. .. ..
the staff here treat their volunteers well.. im sure they're mad busy. but they took me on a tour to the diff depts + took pains to explain everything that was going on. im especially drawn to the bpu ('braille production unit'). im not sure wats up with me and languages.. im trying to learn indo & korean, like a tortoise, and still got burmese, sign language, arabic, tamil in the waits (and german/french if i wanna do further studies in composition..). and hebrew, jap that i havent touched in a while.. i think it's the feeling of 'breaking a code' i like. or the prospect of being able to relate to someone in their native language (or at least the one he communicates by best). that somehow seems to me so essential. to reach out of my bubble. to break boundaries.
two weeks ago i watched via bbc outlook (which i happily discovered after giving up on sg english radio), a lady my age born deaf and hearing almost normally for the first time after an expensive op. She was so overwhelmed she cldnt stop crying. i watched it like more than 5 times and teared every time. This week i've been just blown away getting to meet these partially or fully blind people + learning how to interact with them, and being uplifted by their zest for life, knowledge, their desire to do all the things normal-sighted pple do. use a computer, use an iphone, read a chemistry textbook, get 'O' level qualifications.
for me to imagine my world experience without sound.. or sight. near impossible.
oh the things i take for granted.
a cool thing that happened- on the 3 different occasions i went, i think, i met 1 ocarina-teaching lady, 1 v.h. girl who's been learning the keyboard, 1 v.h. busker who plays guitar + erhu. (i learned v.h.- visually handicapped is a better term to use sometimes b/c not all of them are completely blind.) so i could talk to them about their experiences. i've been wanting to do this but didn't expect to meet someone who'd already gone and done it.. in fact there's a music school going there on the weekends to teach them keyboard too.
i had some p.r. related work they gave me tt i could actually do at home but i figured that being at the centre getting to meet all these pple was totally the point.
oh yah and i found out i could carry out a convo in mandarin for like 1 entire minute.. pretty shocking cuz i seriously havent done that in forever. woot.
On wed. I'd found out Jamiyah was having flag day so i signed up for that too.. gathered a bunch of peeps to make it fun with busking + fun signs + my challenge that i'll 'match every cent'. hong mun was annoying b/c he only wanted to sing songs before 2003, and preferably disney -__- tk God bern was game for oldies. i think my main mission (besides collecting donations and wanting to show my support for jamiyah) was to disturb singaporeans out of their bubbles. and have fun doing it.
i signed up for music lessons at the central sikh temple too. via sketchy-looking online form.. i wonder if they ever check their email. signed up to volunteer at h.o.m.e. and didn't get any response (didn't kno how i'd be of any help either) but their FB feed is pretty enlightening.
All these chances to walk out my convictions (that i acquired a while ago ) that i need to step foot into different communities (esp. marginal ones) outside of my chinese christian middle class bubble while i'm in this country. find Jesus outside the Church. keep myself alive and unSingaporean. (cuz once you turn into a normal singaporean, you're deaaad.) repent ('turn'). of my own blindness.
build friendships with as many 'types' of pple in this diversely populated little island, because friendship is the way to understanding, learning, loving, and identifying yourself with another. this is why i am not esp. inclined to going on mission trips outside of the country in this time of my life. there are already so many needs here. if i can't learn service + mission in my own backyard, what business do i have helping pple across the globe. rather, while i'm called here, home ground is the base for learning, and what i acquire i'm to go out and give. i'm sure it could work both ways..
from above link: "putting myself in a place where i can learn how to better understand, interact and care for such pple.. maybe i see it more as education. maybe because i think i'll find a different side of God in each place. maybe i feel like sooner or later in my (life) mission, i will meet pple with such needs and want to be equipped as much as possible to reach them."
on the third day of savh i met a19yr old girl who stayed at home 'and did housework' for the last 17 yrs of her life and only started going to school recently, took her PSLE within 2 years. when i heard that i just felt so sad and burdened. and ashamed that *our govt is so lousy in helping our handicapped mbrs of society.
i pray that i will always keep my heart soft.
yinky
*edit as an afterthought: and the Church
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to remind myself,
excerpt from the book that changed my life
(with some paraphrasing by me):
(NB: the following passage addresses those considered 'sinners' in society in their day. but David Ruis extrapolates to include the poor + needy. bold font by me.)
matthew 9:10-13 Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” When Jesus heard that, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ [Hos 6;6] For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.’ Jesus: you really want to know why I do what I do? … go… yes, go and learn what this means, because you can’t get it out of a book or a lecture or the best DVD series on the market. You can’t learn who I am without getting up and moving out of your comfort and safety zones. Jesus challenges us to embrace mercy that is beyond sacrifice. The point is not how much I give, how generous I am, or how sacrificial my works of service are. The point is mercy. Did I learn to love?
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softboiled eggs. old army uniforms. arms in slings. tree climbers. camera-luggers. orion. lipton tea.
hi papa..
eleven years today without you
hold on.
we will wake together
with the morning glory.
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| i used to think this song was really dumb.. until it happened to me. or rather it was done to me. again.
well i think i've failed the test, third time in a row in two years. i never learn.
tis rare that i can withstand a whole day of emo nichole nordeman songs (specifically, this playlist- yah smiling jesus, lambs and all that) + today was that day.
'..behold,
i will hedge up your way with thorns,
and wall her in,
so that she cannot find her paths.
she will chase her lovers,
but not overtake them;
yes, she will seek them,
but not find them.
then she will say,
i will go and return to my first husband,
for then it was better for me than now'
hosea 2:6-7
wandered through the day in a daze/ mild shock.
in worship today i imagined that God had carved out a rotting piece of my heart + was starting to bind up the rest..
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